There seems to be a growing trend for children of all ages to be unable to accept that they are largely responsible for their own learning and their own successes or failures.
Of course, at younger ages, parents play a greater supporting role, but the sooner you can start to instil responsibility in your children, the more you empower them with improved decision-making skills, enhanced problem-solving abilities, increased self-confidence and self-esteem, and a strengthened sense of accountability. They develop organisational and time management skills, cultivate empathy and consideration, and gain a sense of accomplishment.
Parents who recognise the positive impact that teaching responsibility can have on their children’s overall development will provide them with a solid foundation for success in various aspects of life.
Teaching your child to take responsibility often means stepping back. During early and middle childhood, you probably needed to constantly remind your child about their obligations or else things wouldn’t get done. As a tween, though, your child has more autonomy, or the ability to take charge of many of their own responsibilities, like due dates for school projects and when they need to leave for sports practice (Granted, you still need to drive your child, but they now have the capability to remind you instead of the other way around.). Let your child exercise this ability. If you always do your child’s thinking for them, they’ll never get the chance to learn.
Stepping back also means letting your child “fail” once in a while, which can help build their resilience. Choose “low stakes” moments to let them flounder.
Household chores can be the perfect arena for teaching responsibility. You’re the supervisor, so there’s no risk of your child failing in public, yet they have a chance to take on a task and complete it on their own. Taking on chores not only helps your child become more responsible, but it can also raise their self-esteem and lets them know how important it is for everyone in the family to chip in. Make sure their tasks are explained clearly, that a timeline for completion is set, and that they know what will happen if the task is not followed through. Be sure to provide frequent, clear, concrete feedback about their efforts; tell your child precisely which behaviours did and/or did not work well, then give your tween a chance to fix it.
As with the teaching of any skill, timing is key to teaching responsibility effectively. It may be tempting to try a new approach—such as using a planner for the first time—when things are already changing, thinking that new habits can be set up all at once. New habits tend to be retained best when they’re introduced during relatively stable times. Therefore, you may want to avoid introducing new strategies as your child is transitioning to a new phase in school or when your child is very actively searching for their identity.
As long as children are becoming increasingly responsible relative to their own starting point, things are progressing well. Encouraging responsibility is a great idea, but don’t put excessive pressure on them to be someone they’re not.
Perhaps the most effective way of teaching responsibility is modelling conscientious behaviour yourself. Are you perpetually late to appointments? Do you pay bills behind schedule or require your boss looking over your shoulder constantly so that you get your work assignments done? It’s the old case of “do what I say, not what I do”—that just doesn’t cut it. Your children learn through watching, not listening. If you are dedicated to working on improving your own habits, your children just might follow.